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Monster Movie Monday: House (1986)

THE DATE: Monday June 11th, 2012
THE FILM: House (1986)
THE ATTENDEES: Matthew T., Ali, Uncanny Derek, Danielle and The Timinator.

THE GORE SCORE:

Ever watch a movie when you were younger and really disliked it, but you couldn’t pin-point why? Then years later, all grown up, you have the opportunity to watch it again, and when the title comes up you vaguely remember it, but there is a tiny little voice in the back of your skull, screaming in it’s chipmunk tone, “NO! Don’t do it! Remember last time?!” but the voice is so small and distant you figure, “Hey man, I’m a grown up now, maybe there’s some deep shit in this film that went over my head the first time, and this is my opportunity to be more open minded”. Don’t be a douche. Nothing went over your head the first time, and there is no one specific reason why you didn’t like it. The film was just BALLS. That is, in fact, the technical/industry term to describe such an all-encompassingly bad excuse for entertainment: “balls”. What was I writing about again? Oh right, HOUSE. See it was so bad I can’t even focus on it for an entire paragraph…

Many of our MMM guests this week had not seen this film before. I had, and I should have known better, but I ignored my intuition. Directed by Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part II & III) and produced by Sean S. Cunningham (Friday the 13th) you would have thought it was going to be a masterpiece. Even the tag line “Ding dong, you’re dead” gets your hopes up. Instead, this campy story of a writer losing his grip on sanity somewhere between his Vietnam flashbacks, the haunting memory of his missing child, and his failed marriage disappoints on more levels than the amount of plotlines this film tries to make it’s audience follow — and that’s a lot. The only thing that could save this film was the campy humor, but unfortunately it falls flat at every attempt. Well, maybe good ol’ George Wendt was the exception, I mean he’s pretty awesome.

It’s just so unfortunate because I love campy horror, I love 80′s horror, and I really wanted to like this film because HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY looks awesome. Maybe it still is… If it’s not then you will see a review that starts something like this: “fool me once shame on me…” etc etc… Anyway, when the movie ended there was a lengthy moment of uncomfortable silence, followed by several people clearing their throats until finally someone said “so… that was terrible” and then I said “It was only an hour and a half?!” and then Matthew T. was like, “No way, that was at least two and half hours,” which was followed by us checking Netflix to confirm that the run time IS IN FACT an hour and a half, which was followed by almost all of us, in unison, sighing out the word “wow” in sheer disbelief and self hatred.

Disclaimer: This is the most negativity I have ever poured into a review. So trust me when I say that it is not good. But I mean, watch it anyway and see what you think — every man for himself.

 

 

I don’t have a graphic for a MMM FAIL, but when I make one it will be inserted right here.

-Ali (@AJFaucher)