February 29, 2012 by Ali...oops
Top 10: Michael Myers Kills
We had intended to do this list and have it posted in October in an attempt to get people excited to watch the Halloween series; however, we got way too excited for Halloween ourselves, and rather than write anything, we just watched a lot of films and used all of our spare time to prepare for our party.
I just want to point out that this list has a severe SPOILER ALERT! We try to be good about these things and on occasion we slip up and blurt a detail we shouldn’t, but this list is all spoilers. So if you haven’t seen the films please stop here and go rent them right now! Have you been living under a rock!?
THROTTLE AND SLICE
On her way to pick up Ol’ Jerko, lovable and sarcastic Annie dumps the Wallace kid across the street with Laurie then proceeds to her car only to find that it is locked. She returns to the house to find her keys, fixes her hair and heads back out to the car. Out of habit she reaches for the handle and doesn’t give a second thought to the fact that the door is now unlocked. She gets in and notices the foggy windows. There is a brief look of confusion on her face before Michael jumps out of the back seat and begins to strangle her slowly. Annie struggles and manages to reach the horn, blasting it several times, it’s enough to get little Tommy Doyle’s attention. Michael then tightens his grip and stops her struggle with a swift slice across her throat. Annie slowly falls forward, eyes crazed, as her last breath escapes through her fresh gaping neck wound. [Ali]
Linda totally convinces Annie to let her and Bob come over to the Wallace’s house so they can totally go at it. When they arrive to find the house empty, they totally make themselves at home and occupy the Wallace’s bed. When all is said and done Linda orders Bob to get her a beer and on his way he gets totally killed. Seconds later, Michael totally appears in the upstairs bedroom disguised as Bob disguised as a ghost. After Linda realizes that she totally can’t get Bob’s ghost, she decides to call Laurie and find out what’s up with our missing friend Annie. Michael approaches from behind, grabs the phone from her hand and totally strangles her with the cord, all the while Laurie listens on the other end. At first assuming it’s a joke, then after Linda’s last few wails Laurie decides to totally go over and investigate. [Ali]
HOT TUB HIJINX
Ol’ Bud needs some therapy for his finger and sassy nurse Karen is going to be the one to give it to him…or so we think. They head down to the hospital hot tub for a quick soak. It gets hot pretty quick, almost too hot…and of course I’m talking about the water. Bud hops out to check the temperature while Karen decides she’s no longer in the mood. As she dries herself, Bud is strangled on the other side of the glass doors behind her. Michael turns the temperature way up into the danger zone and enters the room. He approaches Karen from behind and places a hand on her shoulder. Karen, assuming its Bud, caresses and nibbles his hand and explains that she has to get back to work. She asks him “Do you want to go for breakfast later?” Michael is stunned by this because no one has ever asked him to go to breakfast before. In fact no one even cares what he eats; he probably has a terrible diet. He tears his hand away and when Karen turns around he unleashes his rage. He takes her by the hair and dunks her head into the tub, repeatedly bringing her up for air and screams. Each time he lifts her head from the water her face shows more and more burn damage. Finally he forces her under and holds her there until her lungs fill with scalding water and her body goes limp. He pulls her out and drops her to the floor. The final shot shows her wet, frightened, third degree burned face of death. Oh and we see boob. That’s some hawt shit right there! [Ali]
(HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS)
Who transfers a seemingly induced mass murderer from the loony bin with nothing but a couple of leather pieces strapping him to a gurney on a dark and rainy night? And then proceed to talk about surviving family members back in hometown Haddonfield? The one thing this mass murderer is destined to exterminate? Get thee to family members. Must kill. Off with the straps! Those passengers were all doomed that night. Pay special notice to the guy who suffered a cringing THUMB DRIVE through his forehead. Proceed with headache jokes. Try fixing that with Advil, ha! Etc. [Ames]
(HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS)
The barn scene. We have a couple of cute lasses in pretty red Halloween costumes cuddling up with kittens in a hay filled barn. Everything is delightful! Blond girl runs off with blond guy because I guess now is the time to copulate. As things get heated, Michael Myers comes in with something even more uncomfortable than the prickly hay underneath them. Blond guy gets PITCHFORK IN THE BACK… during copulation. I hope the kittens are okay. Last we saw them, they were playing in blood. [Ames]
GOUGE AND GRIND
(HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS)
Michael follows his niece Jamie Lloyd to a remote farm. She continues to run and attempt to hide from him even though she knows she won’t get out of this alive. Michael finds her in the barn, approaching her slowly, and then shoves her hard into a piece of menacing farm equipment. Sharp rods impale her torso, leaving her unable to move from the waist down. With what is left of her energy she slowly reaches her arms out to Michael, hoping he will have a sudden change of heart…oh wait, what’s this? He too reaches his arms out to her and slowly steps forward. This is it, the moment he realizes that he wants to be loved… Gotcha! He has always had a sick sense of humour like that. With his arms reaching forward he shoves her harder into the equipment, causing further impalement and making her almost completely immobile. With her head teetering back and forth she mutters something, probably about her baby but I wasn’t listening as I was too enthralled with what was about to happen. Our silly lovable Michael then does what he does best, he turns the farm equipment on and the spiked rods piercing through her gut start to spin and grind her gory flesh. Michael then heads out to her truck to get the baby, but Jamie had outsmarted him and stashed the baby at the train station. And so begins another ‘search and destroy’ killing mission on the poor town of Haddonfield. [Ali]
BLIND AND BUTCHERED
(HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS)
Although it’s an off-screen kill, in this Halloween, they have finally captured one of my greatest personal fears that I will share with you now. I’ve played this scene over and over in my head. A violent serial murderer is chase-stalking me. In a fit of fear and frenzy, I trip to the ground and my GLASSES FALL OFF my face. This is exactly what happens to poor mother and housewife Debra Strode. Upon the viewing of the mask after hanging up on her no-good husband, she hurries to the backyard, fights through a maze of clotheslines laden with white sheets only to collapse on hands and knees. The glasses stumble off of her face, paralyzing her in a state of panic. Blindly fiddling for her glasses, she ultimately gets axed by the Shape. Chop! We are left to only imagine her head lopping off as we only see blood spatter amongst a clean white sheet. [Ames]
PAPA DON’T PREACH
(HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICAHEL MYERS)
Another fave kill from Hallowe’en 6 is that of father and husband, John Strode. First, we are forced to watch an awkward breakfast scene in which he needlessly backhands our girl Kara Strode in front of her child. I mean, it’s morning. Who has that type of energy so early? Next, we see him drinking on the job because the wife phoned to call him out on his shit! When John comes home to darkness, where does he try to find the wifey? In the laundry room, of course. The fear on his face after a peak into the blood filled washing machine was almost justice enough. I personally love the shot of Michael Myers mask shining through the sparks as he electrifies John Strode. Ah, it’s like fireworks and Michael is in his glory. The scene gets quite graphic watching the body sizzle and coagulate until he finally EXPLOODDDESSS. [Ames]
Aren’t we glad the Halloween series spawned current “it” boy Joseph Gordon Levitt? I know what you’re saying; he also played a part in Roseanne. Anyway, I eagerly anticipated this flick coming out and my 13 year old self was already impressed in the first five minutes. The Chordettes ring through “Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream”. It’s dusk. After the neighbourhood bad boys check that Mrs. Robinson’s house is clear – “Look, it’s the boy from The Juror!” I says to my father, the only one who wanted to go with me to the movies – we find out this house was not a random selection. With now dark skies, a flashlight shines upon a Dr. Loomis photo and more importantly, upon a folder boldly stating “Laurie Strode” among missing files! After rushing over next door, all she finds is an ice skate attached to JoGo’s bloody face and the other guy’s dead body falling at the poor cougar as she tries to escape. Just as the red police sirens illuminate the houses, a courageous battle between her and Myers endures. We almost think this wildcat can break away with her thrashing at him and at the window, but ultimately Myers ends with a classic finish: THE SLIT NECK FROM BEHIND. Michael Myers sneaks off in a sleek black car “like in the first movie, eh!” [Ames]
The kids aren’t alright. They stayed home from the camping trip and now they must die. The lights are out and Sarah has gone looking for her boyfriend. “No sex games till after I’ve eaten” she calls out, but poor Charlie can’t hear her cause he’s already taken a knife to the neck. DING the dumbwaiter has reached her floor. She goes over and opens it expecting shenanigans but instead finds Charlie’s lifeless body. Michael appears behind her and in an attempt to flee she climbs into the dumbwaiter, mounting Charlie’s corpse. Michael manages to get a quick slice in, but it’s just flesh wound. The dumbwaiter continues up and when it arrives at its destination, Sarah frantically gets her upper body out. Unfortunately for her, Michael has cut the ropes and the dumbwaiter falls hard on her leg. So hard it severs it to the bone. She pulls herself forward trying to get free as her leg tears open further. Now she crawls slowly across the floor, her leg literally hanging on by a thread (or I guess medically a vein or tendon or something). Michael appears in front of her and she looks up with a face full of tears just as his knife swings down into her spine. Michael displays his love for interior decorating by hanging her on a light so when the others find her body the light illuminates her gutted torso. He really has an eye for these things. [Ali]
In creating this list Ames and I have discovered something about ourselves. First of all, we favour throat slashing in all shapes and forms. And secondly, we seem to really enjoy Halloween 6 even though it is the one I have watched the least. We did not include kills from the Rob Zombie films because they are in a league of their own. One of the best things about Halloween time is the nostalgic feelings and memories of what it’s like to be a kid, before you learned that the monsters and bad guys were scripted and painted. You want to feel the excitement you felt when you got all dressed up, bumping into other creatures in the darkness. You want to remember those original scares. They are the ones that stay with you.
Since Halloween Resurrection didn’t make the cut, we’d like to get it in here at least once. We leave you with this – “Fear is good. Fear is what gives us the feeling of being alive.” – Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes)
We hope you had a great Halloween! We sure did!